Typically when you think of an island, you think of tropical plants, white sand, beautiful clear water and sunshine.
Unfortunately, for many married couples the perception of an island is much different. Where many see opportunity, others feel like outcasts. Where many are sacrificing to travel to their dream vacation, others are dying to escape their perceived prison.
In this blog post, we wanted to explore the lies our flesh tells us about our circumstances and the truths of God promises.
LIE #1 THEY ARE THE PROBLEM:
The flesh is good for telling you the issue is with someone else, and not you. “He needs to do that differently”, “She is too ‘XYZ’”. In many circles, it is assumed the wife is the one who tries to change her husband. As I’m writing this blog post, I haven’t found any supporting data on that, but let’s just say that is the case. According to one of Joseph’s and my favorite books, “Love & Respect” by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs,
A woman is expressive-responsive. She wants to talk about things. She wants to have her problems out in the open for discussion in order to solve them.”
Let me play devil’s advocate for a second here… Is it possible the idea that we, as wives, are trying to change our husbands is just our attempt at feeling loved by them? Is it possible that we are trying to extract something from our spouses that seems to have been forgotten or lost? Yes, there are times when wives ARE trying to change their spouse. It’s not ideal and those wives should definitely read Dr. Eggerichs’s book. Women, according to Dr. Eggerich, want openness. We want our spouses to open up to us. When that isn’t happening, we want to get to the root of the issue.
He goes on to say, “...husbands, however, play things close to the vest. They are the opposite of expressive-responsive. They are what psychologists consider ‘compartmentalized’.”
Joseph and I are not immune to these issues either. That’s how we know NO ONE is on the island ALONE. Marriage isn’t easy, but it doesn’t have to be unbearable either. Just knowing we’re not alone… that others have suffered similar, if not identical, issues is comforting to us. Our prayer is our transparency is just as comforting to you.
Let’s flip the script, though and look at what Dr. Eggerichs has to say about men. I may not have found supporting evidence that women are the biggest culprits for trying to change their husbands, but I did find something that points to the contrary. In chapter eleven of Love & Respect, the title suggests MEN may be the fixers of the relationship: “UNDERSTANDING - DON’T TRY TO “FIX” HER; JUST LISTEN”
The very first sentence of this chapter references 1 Peter 3:7. He looks at the verse through the lens of “How to Have Empathy for Your Wife”. He emphasizes Peter's advice to husbands to “live with your wives in an understanding way”. He goes on to share his love of this verse because it DOESN’T say he has to understand his wife. His takeaway was he only needed to come across as wanting to live with his wife in an understanding way AND, let her know that he trusted her heart.
This is a lesson we can all take away from this LIE. Instead of trying to change your spouse, love them, be fully open with them, and let them know you trust their heart.
LIE #2 HE’S NOT LOVING ME THE WAY I WANT TO BE LOVED:
I have to admit, this has been an issue for me. Though I DO believe Joseph should love me based on my love language, I first have to LOVE MYSELF. I can’t leave my self-worth in the hands of another human being. Only God has that privilege, and you already know how He feels about us. Ultimately, what Joseph & I want to emphasize here, is the need for us to understand how to fill our own cup. Our spouses are not responsible for our happiness. They enhance it, add to it even, but we have to know how to love ourselves first.
In my business, I train people on how to leverage themselves to get the things they want for their life, career, and/or business. I see it over and over again, the issues that arise when people haven’t done the work to determine where the junk in their emotional baggage came from. They are fearful, they have limiting beliefs, and they don’t feel worthy of the blessings/opportunities that come their way. These same feelings rear their ugly head in a marriage.
Depending on how early you got married, you may not have FOUND YOURSELF yet. Maybe what you think is an unloving attitude is actually a reflection of the challenges you need to face and overcome. I can speak from experience. The more I love myself, the less I depend on Joseph to “make me FEEL loved”. I KNOW he loves me… that’s NEVER been in question. That knowledge is how I was able to determine where the TRUE work needed to be done. If this is a lie that keeps you on your marital island, you have everything you need to overcome it… Learn to LOVE YOURSELF!
LIE #3 SHE DOESN’T RESPECT ME, AT ALL!
Respect is a primary emotional need for all husbands, but it is admittedly a difficult concept to practice in marriage. So, how do we apply respect to husbands? There is a simple acronym, C-H-A-I-R—S, that gives practical, biblical ways of displaying the respect your husband desperately needs. Here are the details of C-H-A-I-R-S and its meaning.
Conquest - appreciate his desire to work and achieve
Hierarchy - appreciate his desire to protect and provide
Authority - appreciate his desire to serve and lead
Insight - appreciating his desire to analyze and counsel
Relationship - appreciating his desire for shoulder to shoulder relationship
Sexuality - appreciate his need for sexual intimacy
At this point, you may be thinking, “he” should earn my respect, but that is a worldly perspective. Ephesians 5:33 reads, “Let each one of you love his wife as himself and let the wife see that she respects her husband. Just as husbands are commanded to love their wives, wives must also respect their husbands, merit notwithstanding. The difficulty is often found when the husband is not behaving in a way that justifies being respected or more simply when the husband is not meeting the needs of his wife. Remember, by showing respect, you are not only fulfilling a biblical command but also fostering a healthier, more loving relationship.
So, wives, how can we break the cycle of husbands feeling disrespected? First, consider how you respect your husband and communicate it to him openly. By doing so, you are not only showing respect but also fostering a culture of open communication and understanding in your marriage. He will appreciate you and love you more for it.
CONCLUSION
The previous sections of the blog characterize the “lies” about marriage that become all too real when we are isolated and not operating in God's design for marriage. What is required for marriage to be blissful, joyful and glorifying is found in the simplicity of men loving their wives and wives respecting husbands. But to operate as loving and respectful men and women we must gain the wisdom and understanding necessary by studying God's work on these topics, live intentionally as disciples of Christ seeking to glorify God through marriages and gather with like-minded believers to encourage one another during good and challenging times.
Comments