“Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.”
One could argue this quote implies a slow death. This month's emphasis of our blog is the damage resentment does to a marriage (or any relationship, really) over time.
Often in marriage, we tend to bottle up our feelings. This is done for a plethora of reasons:
You don’t want to hurt your spouse's feelings
You’re afraid of a reaction
You’ve used circumstances as a test of some kind
Whatever the reason for these bottled-up feelings, they are like seeds being planted in your relationship. You can choose to hold on to them and never communicate them, or you can learn how to share them with your spouse in a productive way.
The thought of resentment being a seed caused us to look at seeds and how they grow. We hope you find this as interesting as we did because the parallel to our relationship with Christ is quite similar.
When seeds grow in darkness, they rely on the stored chemical energy within their cells (lipids, proteins, carbohydrates) to power their growth. Because of this, their growth is stunted and unhealthy. In the dark, seeds MAY grow into long yellow sprouts instead of turning green and forming leaves as they should. Much like these seeds grown in darkness, when we allow seeds of resentment to be planted in our relationships AND we separate ourselves from support and community, the darkness stunts our growth and the growth of our relationship with one another. MOST IMPORTANTLY, it stunts our relationship with God.
Contrary to allowing resentment to grow in darkness, consider allowing God’s light to shine on it. When seeds are given light, they no longer rely ONLY on their own source for nutrients, they harness solar energy as their chloroplasts develop. This is when they flourish, turn green and begin forming leaves, as they should. The same holds true for our relationship when we allow God's perfect light to permeate our relationship.
Ephesians 5:7-13 tells us we were in darkness but now we are in the light of the Lord. It goes on to say we should have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, instead we should expose them. This tells us we shouldn’t bury seeds of resentment and seclude ourselves and our relationships to a desolate island. Doing so is the equivalent of it growing in darkness. We should learn to communicate our challenges, share them with God and allow him to shed light on a path to revelation, restoration, and/or resolution.
The word gives us many examples of what it means to live in darkness vs. light. In Ephesians 5:7-10 Light refers to truth and righteousness. Darkness refers to falsehood and evil. If we are to live as children of light, we must be directed by what is good and right and true in our relationships.
This also sounds really good, right? “Walk in the light, the beautiful light, come where the dewdrops of mercy shine bright…..” This is hard to do without practical knowledge of the negative behaviors and knowing what it means to walk in the light and have God, be our source of light.
For those who attended “Marriage Roundtable” in May, you may remember the Four Horsemen of Relationships.
Criticism: Verbally attacking your spouse’s personal character. For example, you always leave your clothes on the floor. You are such a slob.
Contempt: Communicating your superiority over your spouse through verbal and nonverbal behavior. Ex. You're such an idiot; I can’t believe you’ve dropped the ball on this!
Defensiveness: Protecting yourself from a perceived attack or becoming righteous to become a perceived victim. Ex. Yeah, I forgot to schedule the dr. appointment, but I always take them, so you can at least schedule it.
Stonewalling: Shutting down or withdrawing from your spouse. Ex. Your partner expresses a legitimate need or desire, and you stop responding or turn away.
When left unchecked, these behaviors create the path to darkness and resentment.
So, what are the behaviors associated with light-filled, healthy lives and relationships?
Healthy people and relationships refuse to surround themselves with other unhealthy people and marriages. They run in groups. Good ones will always find themselves spending time with others going in the same direction they want to go.
They refuse to neglect emotional intimacy. They’re willing to put themselves out there and be vulnerable, AND they’re willing to hold space for their spouse (without trying to fix each other). Without vulnerability, intimacy is impossible.
They refuse to let disappointment stop them from dreaming with their spouse.
They refuse to put themselves ahead of their spouse. The healthiest people and marriages have two unselfish people putting their energy towards serving their spouse.
They refuse to ignore their spiritual growth journey and greater mission. God didn’t design you for just paying bills, accumulating stuff, having careers and raising kids…that’s part of your mission, but it’s not the only thing. Healthy people and marriages don’t let things and even people become their mission. Your marriage is the ‘sun’, and your kids are the planets…they revolve around you.
Each of these behaviors are the antithesis of resentment and invites light to shine brightly into the cracks, deep where the darkness thinks it can hide.
Walking in the light, flourishing as believers and accomplishing our God-given mission is a singular purpose that requires us to invest in ourselves and our relationships. When we are unwilling to do this, we have little hope of ever living to our fullest potential and experiencing the marital bliss God intended.
Join us for our monthly roundtable. It's the 1st Thursday of every month. Visit our webpage for more information.
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