Resentment In Marriage

Let us start this blog off with a few scriptures:

• 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 says, “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

• 1 Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, keep loving one another earnestly since love covers a multitude of sins.” Andrea’s personal favorite,

• Romans 8:28 - “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

The reason we wanted to start with these scriptures is to remind you of what it looks like to love your spouse unconditionally. Resentment is a bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly. It is an ugly beast that can make its way into our marriages if our hearts are left unattended. Remembering what love is, what love covers, and that all things work together for the good of those who LOVE God and are called according to His purpose is how you guard your heart.

In this topical study, the author gives us 5 married couples from the bible. Each is an example of marital challenges we may be facing, have faced or will face in our marriages.

These stories represent some of the most common causes of resentment in marriage:

• Lack of communication

• Unfulfilled expectations

  • Feeling like you have to overcompensate for your spouse's lack of performance

  • Intimacy issues

  • Unwillingness to make adjustments or compromise

• Lack of consideration

  • Feeling like you’re being ignored

Abraham and Sarah doubted their ability to conceive a child because of their old age. Surely, they both felt ignored by God because things weren’t happening in their time. It’s easy to feel this way in marriage when one spouse or the other feels a lack of consideration. They feel like they are not being heard, they could feel like they aren’t important, decisions are being made without them being consulted, and on and on. Don’t allow resentment to creep in at these times. Instead, remember, you’re the example you want to see. Attitudes, angry tones, and the like aren’t going to win friends and influence people. Love, kindness, and thoughtful conversations are what help situations like this.

The lesson we learn from Elizabeth and Zacharias is sometimes the wife has to be the one to show strength and authority in their relationship. In many instances, one spouse or the other becomes resentful because they feel they are pulling more weight than the other. Since the beginning of time, as seen here with Elizabeth and Zacharias, a lack of performance has been a challenge in marriage. What this means is you and your spouse need to give each other grace. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 is a mantra that reminds us that love is patient and kind. Among other things, it doesn’t insist on its own way and it endures all things. When those times arise when you feel like your load is heavier than your spouse, be patient, be kind, allow God to be your refuge and ask Him for strength to endure.

Intimacy issues can also be the cause of resentment. The story of Gomer and Hosea is a great example of unconditional love that withstood intimacy issues of the worst kind. Hosea was charged with marrying a promiscuous woman. He knew she would be unfaithful and yet married her anyway. If we flip this situation around and the issue becomes one where one spouse feels unfulfilled sexually, resentment will most definitely bloom. Though it may be difficult to offer love to someone who seems uninterested, God gives us a clear example of what to do. God continued to offer love and mercy to Israel even when they were regularly unfaithful to Him. Keep loving your spouse. Keep being the example of what love means to you because Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things.

A lack of communication in a marriage is a huge source of resentment. Whether there is a fear of reaction, a fear of rejection, or a fear of the truth, communication is necessary to ward off the resentment that stems from staying quiet. In the story of King Xerxes and Esther, we should pay close attention to the fact that Esther, though she understood her place was as queen of King Xerxes, boldly but respectfully went to him and made her requests known when she felt he would listen and be agreeable. Knowing when to proceed with difficult opinions, suggestions, reactions, and/or grievances is paramount. Nothing is accomplished when everything said falls on deaf ears and hard hearts. Learn to read your spouse and wait for the moments when your thoughts can be heard and received clearly.

Yes, resentment is a nasty infection that, if left unchecked, could spread and destroy a marriage. God gives us tools and examples of how to overcome this infection, but we have to stay in His Word for the medicine that cures it for good.

After reading the topical study, what are your thoughts on resentment and its role in marriage? We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments.