Managing Seismic Changes

There’s one thing we can always count on. Change! In fact, many of us were excited for the change that marriage brought. It may have been the idea of not being alone, having more financial security, having peace of mind, or leaving a familiar place. These are all positive changes’ but what about some of those NOT SO POSITIVE changes that inevitably make their way into our marriage? The following are all examples of seismic changes that could have a negative impact on a marriage:

1. Postpartum depression after a baby

2. The death of a parent

3. A major surgery/illness

4. Children leaving home

These seismic changes can alter relationships.  For us, the death of my father was a seismic change.  Let’s just say, the challenges I faced during my father’s health decline made me examine my perceived role in some of my relationships.  I realized I needed to set clearer boundaries, manage expectations a little better, and stop allowing people to mistake my kindness for weakness (we all know how death brings out the worst in families). 

Admittedly, it affected Joseph’s and my marriage as well.  He was used to me being a certain way and doing certain things without much pushback. Before this shift, I would stuff my feelings down to avoid arguments, I had a “go along to get along” mindset and, because I didn’t feel like anything would change, I rarely expressed my frustrations fully. When my father passed away and I’d finally had enough, I made a personal  declaration. It was a seismic change in my behavior.  I became more vocal about how I felt and the things I no longer wanted to do or tolerate. Though it was liberating for me, it was a bit unnerving for Joseph.  Some of his expectations had to change and he was being asked to accept my newness.  

Our relationship didn’t take a big hit, but it did take some time to find our new normal.  Our challenges were extremely minor compared to some of the seismic changes that happen over the course of a marriage.  

I guess our lessons for you would be:

1. Pray about your need for change to understand where it’s coming from (to illuminate the true challenge & provide the solution)

2. Consider the effect any seismic change will have on your spouse

3. Understand the emotional needs of your spouse and work to meet them

4. For a smoother transition, seek support when introducing a seismic change