In marriage, the question is not if we fight but when we fight. Conflict is inevitable in all relationships. It remains the most prevalent reason couples seek help.
One key to a long-term healthy relationship is the ability for both the husband and wife to bear conflict in the relationship by fighting to understand and not fighting to win! Key number 3, from When the Marriage is Tested reads…"FIGHT THE PROBLEM, NOT EACH OTHER." To fight the problem correctly, we must gain understanding and not become victims of pride, overwhelming emotions, or lack of knowledge.
Couples who flourish in marriage engage in conflict differently than those who do not and THEY suffer because of it. Successful couples start conflict more gently, but they also make repairs in minor and major ways that highlight the positivity in their relationship. For the couples who attended MarriedLyfe bowling night, the challenge for the evening was to express at least two positive things about your spouse when speaking with others. Now, whether you completed the challenge or not, the purpose was to focus on the good and positive things about your spouse.
So here is a list of interactions you can use to maintain closeness.
Be Interested In Your Spouse
When our spouses complain, holding back an emotional response rather than listening can be challenging. Do we listen? How do we know? One way is to ask open-ended questions:
How can I help?
What could I have done differently?
What are the next steps?
More subtle signals that show we are genuinely interested are:
Maintaining eye contact
Nodding in agreement, and
Physically leaning in towards our spouse.
Accept Your Partner's Perspective
Earlier in the blog, the point is made to fight to understand, not to win! Validating our spouse's feelings and perspectives is vital to closeness and health in our marital relationships. Even when perspectives are opposed, that does not invalidate them. Validation does not mean agreement, but it does signal respect.
Express Affection
I know, I know. Why on earth should I express affection during conflict? During conflict, displays of physical and verbal affection reduce stress and prevent "stonewalling", one of the Four Horsemen of Marriage. It's very simple: consider taking your spouse's hand and saying something that will show that you understand the difficulty of the conversation and your willingness to share the responsibility of solving the problem. This will bring both of you closer.
Conclusion
Ultimately every relationship is tested in some form or another and conflicts will occur. The question I would ask is, how do we motivate each other to be better and meet the needs of our spouse, despite challenges and disappointments. We should develop a passion that makes us deeply interested in everything about our spouse. We should also work tirelessly to ensure our spouse feels comfortable with bringing their feelings, perspectives and desires to us. This can be achieved by accepting our spouses for who they are, not what we wish them to be. Lastly, affectionate touch is not only a love language but it expresses that we are not alone and that we are loved (well at least liked!). The human touch is unambiguous and can hit the mark when words will not!
Please read this blog with your spouse and use this to shape conversations around various topics.
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