MEETING YOUR SPOUSES NEEDS

Before we get to the answer to the question of this blog, it’s important for us to understand a few things:

1. Are we clear about what our own needs are?

2. Are we able to manage ourselves and fill our own cups first?

3. Do we know what God has to say about meeting our spouses needs?

4. Are we willing to obey God’s Word without ego?

Once the answers to these questions have been answered, we can begin unwrapping the, somewhat complex, answer to the overall question.

Proverbs 14:8 says, “The wisdom of the prudent is to give thought to their ways,

but the folly of fools is deception.”  When you look at this scripture through the lens of marriage, you understand that we should think about how to act with care and thought for the future of our relationship, instead of behaving foolishly and deceitfully. 

Looking at this first question, Are you clear about your own needs, it's important to recognize we are all as unique as a snowflake. The way we behave is determined by many variables.  How we were influenced, the experiences we’ve had, our perspectives, and what we are passionate about combine to form our personality and character. These variables can be both good and bad for our relationships. We have different needs, and we have our own special way we like to have those needs met. The fact that we are bringing different personalities and different priorities to the relationship is the perfect environment for unmet needs and difficult conversations.  Being clear with your spouse about your needs takes the guesswork out of things.  Knowing is half the battle, right? Even if you have work to do on yourself before you can meet the needs of your spouse consistently, having the knowledge is an incentive to do the work.  Afterall, we want to make our spouse happy.  We want to become one flesh (Genesis 2:24).

The next question, Are you able to manage yourself and fill your own cup first,  speaks to how you approach meeting the needs of your spouse.  It’s difficult to give from an empty cup.  Being self aware about your own love language, knowing how to self soothe, and practicing self-care makes it easier to give.  When your cup is full (because you filled it), you are able to give unconditionally from your overflow. We are inherently selfish beings, right?  If we begin to feel like we are sacrificing our own needs for the needs of our spouse, resentment forms. Managing yourself and filing your cup first takes away, or minimizes, that scarcity mindset.  This frees you up to love in abundance.

The next two questions go hand in hand.  Do you know what God has to say about meeting your spouse's needs? And… Are you willing to obey God’s Word without ego?

1 Corinthians 7:1-8 NIV says:

1 It is good for a man not to touch a woman. 2 Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. 3 Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. 4 The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6 But I say this as a concession, not as a commandment. 7 For I wish that all men were even as I myself. But each one has his own gift from God, one in this manner and another in that. 8 But I say to the unmarried and to the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am; 9 but if they cannot exercise self-control, let them marry. For it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

Even in the Word, we are given the warning: “...to the unmarried and the widows: It is good for them if they remain even as I am:”.  God even accounts for our “own gifts from God”.  He knew we were two individuals coming together and the difficulties we could face because of it. Marriage isn’t easy, but when done under the directives in 1 Corinthians, we have a divine authority to lean on when times get hard.  If we are willing to abide by them, without ego, we will be able to lovingly meet the needs of our spouses.

Now that we’ve answered those preliminary questions, let’s look at the five basic needs of the husband and the five basic needs of the wife.  This list was compiled by Author and Marriage Counselor, Willard F. Harley.  According to his research and his book, “His Needs, Her Needs”, men need: 

• Sexual fulfillment

• Recreational companionship

• An attractive spouse

• Domestic support

• Admiration

And women need:

• Affection

• Conversation

• Honest & Openness

• Financial support

• Family commitment

The couple that wants to build a rock solid marriage, must endeavour to find out what their partner's list of needs are.  This is important because of your duty to your spouse, it’s the evidence that you really love your spouse, it is the example your children will see and one day emulate, it is the confirmation that you are a person of integrity (you did make vows, afterall), and it is the proof that you are grateful to God for His Priceless Gift to you.

The last thing we want to cover is the biggest question of all.  How do you meet your spouse's needs? Though there is no RIGHT answer, there are some things you can do to determine the specific actions you need to take within your marriage.  These actions include:

• Asking questions?  Ask your spouse what their needs are and how you can best meet them 

• Loving sacrificially: Love your spouse unconditionally, putting their needs above your own 

• Trusting in God & seeking His guidance: Trust God to show you how to love your spouse 

• Being empathic: Try to understand your spouse's feelings and needs, and don't try to fix them

Hebrews 13:4a says, “Let marriage be held in honor among all..”  We are to hold our marriages in high esteem.  It is valuable and precious.  Ephesians 5:22-23 reminds us that marriage is a reflection of divine love and order.  God supplies our needs and it is our responsibility to meet the needs of our spouses.

Andrea & I would love to hear your thoughts. Leave your comments and/or questions below.