After nearly 30 years of marriage, it is clear, listening is a valuable skill set in marriage. If you think about it, the vast majority of conflict could be either resolved or avoided altogether if either you or your spouse listened prior to RESPONDING.
The alternative is a web of assumptions, projecting and dismissiveness. When you’re not caught up in the web, you find yourself because of, what we call, “Defense Listening”. This is when you’re not hearing your partner because you're too busy forming your rebuttal. Another indicator of defensive listening is when you’re defense mechanism is to get HISTORICAL during your discussion,
According to Forbes.com, when you practice intentional listening:
You understand your spouse's intended message and desired outcome
You and your spouse begin to listen mindfully to one another
It becomes easier to validate your spouse’s journey and
You listen with an empathetic heart
Below are a few biblical references to help you prepare your mind for the intentional listening steps coming. It may be a good idea to copy them and have them somewhere close to your daily bible study.
BIBLICAL REFERENCES (NASB):
James 1:19 - This you know, my beloved brethren. But everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger;
Proverbs 18:13 - One who gives an answer before he hears,
It is foolishness and shame to him.
Proverbs 18:2 - A fool does not delight in understanding,
But in revealing his own mind.
Now that your heart and mind are prepared to receive the steps for intentional listening, let’s get into them. We are sharing, not only the steps, but some practical actions to assist with each one:
Stage 1: Receiving
Receiving is the intentional focus on hearing a speaker’s message, which happens when we filter out other sources so that we can isolate the message and avoid the confusing mixture of incoming stimuli.
There is a difference between HEARING and RECEIVING the message being spoken.
ACTION: Be Present in the moment.
Stage 2: Understanding
In the understanding stage, we attempt to learn the meaning of the message. Even when we have understood the words in a message, we sometimes make the mistake of attaching our own meanings to the words of others.
ACTION: Repeat what you thought you heard. Ask questions to confirm understanding.
Stage 3: Remembering
The key with remembering is you must have listened in the first place. The most common reason for not remembering a message after the fact is because it wasn’t really learned from the beginning.
ACTION: Focus on receiving and Be Present.
Stage 4: Evaluating
What you’re doing here is judging the value of the message. Because we come to our relationships with our own perspectives, influence, experiences, and passions, it stands to reason that we would evaluate or judge messages from our spouse differently. Our goal as spouses is to be good listeners and refrain from making these judgments but instead, focus on our spouse’s meanings.
ACTION: Value your spouse as God values us all.
Here’s where you decide how you want to engage in the conversation. Anything you do at this stage can be considered feedback by your spouse. If you don’t say anything, you’re leaving the feedback up for interpretation. If you respond negatively to your spouse, you must be mindful of the response you may get in return.
ACTION: Allow Love to be the basis for the response. Ask yourself if the roles were reversed, how would I receive this response.
Remember...
only a very few can apply these techniques perfectly the first time or the thousandth. As we practice daily devotion to our Father in Heaven and honor that relationship, we can also intentionally apply these techniques to honor the desires and wishes of our spouses.
Comments