Recently Joseph and I went on a vacation with just the two of us. Over the years, we’ve found these types of vacations are important to our ability to reconnect and fill our marital cup. We’ve always prioritized our relationship because we recognized that, though we loved our children, they would become adults and leave home one day. We wanted to still enjoy each other and stay connected. We saw how common it was for couples to pour all they had into their children only to be strangers to each other when the kids left home.
Why do you think people do that? Why do couples allow their children to become the focus of their attention instead of each other?
Upbringing?
Society?
Personal pressures?
The notion of FILLING YOUR CUP isn’t a new one. The Bible speaks clearly about self-care and gives advice for a happy marriage.
Being mindful of your own limits and needs is so important to marriage. We start out as individuals, then pair up and get lost in the hustle and bustle of life. Our spouse, our children, our job all seem to get prioritized over ourselves and the result is an empty cup.
The Bible doesn’t speak directly to the idea of self-care, but it does give us understanding about the role of our physical and mental health. As far back as the time of Moses in the Old Testament, God has provided instruction for how to care for our bodies and minds. God values and commands rest (Ex. 34:21; Heb. 4:3-4) and care for our physical bodies (Ex. 22:26-27). As a matter of fact, Jesus himself prioritized rest. When faced with great crowds, Jesus “often withdrew to lonely places and prayed” (Luke 5:16). He cared that his disciples “had no leisure even to eat” and instructed them to “rest a while” (Mark 6:31).
That’s why we believe one of the best ways to fortify a marriage is to fill your cup first. For us, having individual interests and knowing what and when we each need time to mentally recharge has been a game changer. I remember earlier in our marriage I would come home from work and start rambling off the drama of my day. Joseph eventually told me it was a lot and what he needed was some quiet time when he came home. He said, “I just need a little caveman time, babe”. It took some time, but I finally realized what that meant. His day was stressful and he was mentally drained. He needed to be relieved of that stress, so a little quiet time or channel surfing was how he wanted to ease into the evening.
I used to ask Joseph all the time…”When are we going to be one flesh?”, lol!!
It takes time to get to a place in your marriage where you can claim “one flesh” status. The Bible says in Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” I guess I had my ideas of what that meant, but for the sake of this blog post, I wanted to look it up. This passage from Gotquestions.org, really stood out to us so we thought we’d share:
“This oneness and desire to benefit each other is not automatic, especially after mankind’s fall into sin. The man, in Genesis 2:24 (KJV), is told to “cleave” to his wife. This word has two ideas behind it. One is to be “glued” to his wife, a picture of how tight the marriage bond is to be. The other aspect is to “pursue hard after” the wife. This “pursuing hard after” is to go beyond the courtship leading to marriage, and is to continue throughout the marriage. The fleshly tendency is to “do what feels good to me” rather than to consider what will benefit the spouse. And this self-centeredness is the rut that marriages commonly fall into once the “honeymoon is over.” Instead of each spouse dwelling upon how his or her own needs are not being met, he or she is to remain focused on meeting the needs of the spouse.”
There is a difference between self-care and self-centeredness. The act of self-care provides a sense of wholeness that empowers a desire to benefit others. Joseph has always made me feel like his desire is to not only see me succeed, but assist me in my pursuit. I think he would say he feels the same about me. It isn't easy to pursue hard after anyone or anything if you are operating from an empty cup. Spending time in God’s Word AND practicing self-care is an amazing way to fill your cup so you can give to your spouse and others out of overflow.
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